Archive for February, 2009

The Cats in my Neighborhood are Fucking Jerks

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

The cats in my neighborhood hate me. They don’t respond to loud shrill whistling. They stare back blankly when I call out “Here Kitty Kitty”, in a British or French accent. Even when I quit horsing around with them they just stare at my with their little angry eyes communicating a sentiment of “Fuck you”.

I thought that these cats hated everybody, with their running off and scurrying under bushes when anyone would get close to them.

The other morning I woke up at 6 am to ride the light rail to work. I saw an old man with a wool cap on. He had a bag of cat food and was being trailed by six cats. They were rubbing against him and being frisky. Little does this old man know that he is just being used for food.

The world we live in…

In Hot Water

Monday, February 16th, 2009

I recently tried combining the act of drinking coffee with that of showering.

Things did not really work out as I had hoped.

I don’t think that Starbucks will be offering Herbal Essence flavoring any time soon.

Food in Review – Sence Rare European Rose Nectar

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

One must not mistake Sence – Rare European Rose nectar with that of the domestic variety drunk by those who attend NASCAR events or by office workers at chain restaurant happy hours.  This is both “Rare” and “European” and distinguishes itself from all the other rose nectars available on the market by being contained in a swirled glass bottle that looks more appropriate for perfume then any sort of beverage.

The first sip of Sence is sweet with a floral aftertaste that makes one think of a fragrance that would be generously applied by an elderly woman attending a religious event.  Because of its sweetness, pouring a tall glass of rose nectar is not recommended, but rather hummingbird sized portions seem to be the appropriate serving.

Though Sence  is made in Bulgaria there isn’t a single word of Bulgarian on the entire bottle.  Its ingredients are listed in both English and Spanish.  Reading the ingredients in Spanish is pure
poetry with Las Aguas, El Azucar end el Extracto se Petalos de Rosas sounding like the makings of a love potion found in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel.  It is hard to say if this rosy liquid will make one more attractive to a potential lover, but drinking Sence will surely attract the attention of wasps, bees and other stinging insects.

Woman eating roses

The Kindness of Strangers

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009

The following text message conversation took place on my cell phone. For some reason I always respond to people, even if they clearly have the wrong person.

Tyler: Hey Angela its Tyler “message in a bottle”, lol, where in phx do u live?

Me: No response sent

4 hours later…

Tyler: Hola chica, how was urban planning?

Me (annoyed while trying to drink coffee): Dude, you have the wrong number.

Tyler: Ight, take a chill pill women…I know I don’t have the wrong# I made sure with the dude who wrote that ghey note b4 I texted.. but ne ways good day to you.

Me: This is a guy, you need to revisit “Mack Lessons”

Tyler: I just coversate with ladies, the fact is if you get to know the person before engaging in the physical aspect, the bond between those individuals is much stronger, the physical side is the easiest, but you already knew that since ur such a “Mack Daddy”, peace playa…

End of text exchange.

If any of my friends want to take credit for those, I will buy you a milk shake at Sonic.

Elitism Continued

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

My friend Clint and I were walking down the brick sidewalks of Mill Avenue. An extra spring was in our steps as we were off to see Tim and Eric perform at the Marquee. That same night the band Smashmouth were scheduled to play in front of the stagnant pool of disgustingness known as Tempe Town Lake. This performance was a “celebration” to entertain those who had ran in PF Chang’s Rock and Roll Marathon.

As we were walking among the clean and well groomed citizens Clint and I saw people scalping tickets. We joked how it would be funny if these scalpers were selling Tim and Eric tickets. We speculated about who on earth would actually be seeking out Smashmouth. Just mere seconds after having wondered about this, we saw a man go up to a total stranger and ask him (appearingly without shame) “Hey do you know where Smashmouth is playing”. The stranger eagerly gave all the details this man needed. We continued our walk to the Marquee in amazement of the world we inhabited.

We went and saw Tim and Eric perform and it was like lemon meringue pie on your birthday.

On the way back we walked on the Tempe Town Lake Bridge. We could see on the shore that there was a stage set up with lights. We heard horrible music being played. Could it be?

It was Smashmouth.

It sounded like they were winding things down and it was their last song.

I told Clint that for their encore they would play their hit song, that one from the mentally challenged Ogre movie. This was guaranteed.

Moments later that familiarly horrible riff started up, and the singer in a voice worse then a frat boy’s who had just vomited up the contents of eight cans of Keystone started singing, “Somebody blah, blah, blurgh, black….etc, belck blucha…etc, hey now your an all star get your game on…”

A tear came to my eye.

It was the best night ever.