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New Year’s Resolutions

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

New Year’s Resolutions
It is another New Year and instead of making such resolutions as “Take pilates class” or “alphabetize record collection to second letter of artist’s last name” I have decided to take on some resolutions that I hope are attainable, the first of which is “See more movies.”

I never watch movies. I mean, I somehow missed out on the movie ET. All I know is that it involves a dimwitted creature and a boy who gets into some sort of trouble involving Reese’s Pieces, a bicycle and an Atari 2600.

So far, in the two weeks that have been 2008 I have probably seen more movies in the theater then I saw all of last year.

Here is what I have seen-

Juno: Not a good way to start off my New Year’s resolution. I really wish there could have been a tie in with the movie “Alien versus Predator” and that Predator, that brave intergalactic hunter, could have poured his magical vial of blue liquid all over these characters, dissolving them into piles of “indie” culture referencing goop.

Alien versus Predator 2: Sleeper comedy of 2008, I laughed way more at this then Juno. Kind of recommended…

There Will Be Blood: A movie of complete awesomeness that made me want to eat a thick steak washed down with a tall glass of oil. Highly recommended!

So that’s it so far.

YMCA

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004

The other evening I was working out hard on the elliptical machine at the YMCA. Running in place may seem a pointless endeavor, but I am free to run wherever I want in my own mind. I close my eyes, and picture myself running in a plain in Africa, amongst the gentle giraffes and zebra. When I was done with my aeorbic excercise I looked down at my shirt. Staring back at me, was the face of John Candy. A halo hung above his head. Somehow my sweat had been touched by the spirit of John Candy, and had organized itself into his image. I looked up from my shirt, and glanced at the people around me. Had anyone else witnessed this miracle? Just then an elderly man, more bone then muscle walked by. “Oh John Madden” He said, pointing to my shirt. “No, I am sorry it is John Candy” I politely, but firmly replied. “That is John Madden…Don’t you know football?” He said, scowling at me. What happened after this, was to be expected. I put the man in a headlock, and held a barbell above his oversized cranium, the blue veins snaking his head pulsing with blood. His skull was a fossilized egg that I wanted to obliterate. “It’s John Candy motherfucker….., John Candy”. He finally agreed with me. After this struggle, the image was lost in the blotches of sweat. “John Candy” I muttered to myself as I walked away, leaving the old man trembling on the floor.