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Archive for the 'Food Reviews' Category

Food in Review – The Candy Toothbrush

Saturday, June 5th, 2010


Doomsday cults and others inclined to believe that humanity is in its final days may take the emergence of the Candy Toothbrush as a sure sign of the impending apocalypse. They could argue that evil must be at hand to allow such a sugary perversion of good hygiene to exist – and it would be hard to refute this.

The candy toothbrush consists of a plastic toothbrush handle mounted on a squeezable cylinder. In place of plaque removing bristles is a block of Jolly Rancher-like hard candy with two holes in it. When the base is squeezed a sickly sweet, calamine lotion colored liquid seeps out of these holes.

The thing that is so insidious about this product is that the manufacturer, Candy Planet offers no warning label stating that this product cannot be used in place of actually brushing one’s teeth. Little Johnny or Sue won’t realize that they are actually lying through their slowly disintegrating teeth when the proudly tell their mom or dad that yes, they have brushed their teeth.

It can only be speculated that a company with the name “Candy Planet” can only have more evil plans in store. What will the next “candy” be that they will dream up in their artificially sweetened minds? How far off are products such as the cotton candy life vest or the black licorice seat belt? Will our elderly hobble along on actual candy canes?

Forget rogue nations and with their nuclear aspirations, the real weapons of mass destruction exist in the candy aisle at the local convenience store. The source of these illicit sweets must be stopped and the only solution is for the Candy Planet factories to be destroyed. Bombs, not regular ones – but candy bombs should fall on them, jamming their machinery with corn syrup and making the world a bit safer for our children

Food in Review – Box o’ Meat

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Box O’ Meat” will not win any awards for product design.  Housed inside of a dull, white-plastic box, with a handle connecting the sides, it could easily be mistaken for a box containing detergent, salt or any other type of inedible item.  When one brings home this unassuming box and peels back the lid only a hint of its true beauty is revealed.  Once the box has been turned upside down and the glistening block of meat contained within is liberated, can one behold the true splendor that is this new processed meat product.

SPAM has dominated the potted meat market for decades with its stampede of overly salted swine “Box O’ Meat” is a refreshing alternative.  This is a graceful ballet of flavor, where animals such as Emu, Aardvark, Penguin and Gazelle take turns pirouetting upon one’s taste buds.  Nowhere in nature would any of the thirty odd species of animal found in this meaty confection be found nibbling upon the same leaf buds, or drinking side by side from the same stream, but within “Box O’ Meat” they peacefully and deliciously coexist.

Whether cut into one inch slabs, then cooked in yak butter and served on rye with wasabi mustard or eaten straight from its plastic bucket, one will be floored by the taste of the fauna found within.  Rest assured that each wondrous mouthful of intermingling animal proteins can be enjoyed without guilt.  40% of all proceeds go towards protecting the natural habitats that these animals were plucked from. Biodiversity can now be enjoyed in one’s kitchen, and it has never tasted so good.

Food in Review – Sence Rare European Rose Nectar

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

One must not mistake Sence – Rare European Rose nectar with that of the domestic variety drunk by those who attend NASCAR events or by office workers at chain restaurant happy hours.  This is both “Rare” and “European” and distinguishes itself from all the other rose nectars available on the market by being contained in a swirled glass bottle that looks more appropriate for perfume then any sort of beverage.

The first sip of Sence is sweet with a floral aftertaste that makes one think of a fragrance that would be generously applied by an elderly woman attending a religious event.  Because of its sweetness, pouring a tall glass of rose nectar is not recommended, but rather hummingbird sized portions seem to be the appropriate serving.

Though Sence  is made in Bulgaria there isn’t a single word of Bulgarian on the entire bottle.  Its ingredients are listed in both English and Spanish.  Reading the ingredients in Spanish is pure
poetry with Las Aguas, El Azucar end el Extracto se Petalos de Rosas sounding like the makings of a love potion found in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel.  It is hard to say if this rosy liquid will make one more attractive to a potential lover, but drinking Sence will surely attract the attention of wasps, bees and other stinging insects.

Woman eating roses