This blog is not dead…but is going to being undergoing some changes.

“Box O’ Meat” will not win any awards for product design.  Housed inside of a dull, white-plastic box, with a handle connecting the sides, it could easily be mistaken for a box containing detergent, salt or any other type of inedible item.  When one brings home this unassuming box and peels back the lid only a hint of its true beauty is revealed.  Once the box has been turned upside down and the glistening block of meat contained within is liberated, can one behold the true splendor that is this new processed meat product.

SPAM has dominated the potted meat market for decades with its stampede of overly salted swine “Box O’ Meat” is a refreshing alternative.  This is a graceful ballet of flavor, where animals such as Emu, Aardvark, Penguin and Gazelle take turns pirouetting upon one’s taste buds.  Nowhere in nature would any of the thirty odd species of animal found in this meaty confection be found nibbling upon the same leaf buds, or drinking side by side from the same stream, but within “Box O’ Meat” they peacefully and deliciously coexist.

Whether cut into one inch slabs, then cooked in yak butter and served on rye with wasabi mustard or eaten straight from its plastic bucket, one will be floored by the taste of the fauna found within.  Rest assured that each wondrous mouthful of intermingling animal proteins can be enjoyed without guilt.  40% of all proceeds go towards protecting the natural habitats that these animals were plucked from. Biodiversity can now be enjoyed in one’s kitchen, and it has never tasted so good.

 Eric Bills yanking a frontside air off of the metal wall of a pipe somewhere off of the 202. One of my favorite photos of one of my favorite friends.

The Downtown Phoenix Partnership spent $160,00 for a team of marketers to come up with this motto for the city of Phoenix.

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Here are some alternate mottos that they should have considered:

“Phoenix - hey, at least it’s not Reno…”
“Home of a million, Dollar stores”
“First in meth!”

I was awoken at 3:00 in the morning. My stomach was like a cauldron and sweat was upon my brow. In my fevered, half-dream state I could envision my innards being stirred by one of the weird sisters from Macbeth, but instead of an old woman it was a chicken, anthropomorphized so that it was gripping a long spoon in its wing. It was cackling, taking great pleasure in its revenge for its undercooked brother or sister that I had consumed.

The next morning I woke up, thinking that I could get through the work day with the help of Tums. By 10:00 am, with a stomach full of enough Tums to neutralize a large Pyrex beaker full of Hydrochloric acid, I knew it was time to go home.

I should have known better – but I had eaten at this taco stand dozens of times. They use all organic ingredients, which evidently includes free range Salmonella. The red chile beef taco was great, as well as the green chile version. The chicken soft taco was very watery – this was the infidel that would wage gastro-intestinal warfare against me.

Three days down and I am back. I lost a bunch of weight, but would not recommend this as a viable means of dieting to anybody.

The cats in my neighborhood hate me. They don’t respond to loud shrill whistling. They stare back blankly when I call out “Here Kitty Kitty”, in a British or French accent. Even when I quit horsing around with them they just stare at my with their little angry eyes communicating a sentiment of “Fuck you”.

I thought that these cats hated everybody, with their running off and scurrying under bushes when anyone would get close to them.

The other morning I woke up at 6 am to ride the light rail to work. I saw an old man with a wool cap on. He had a bag of cat food and was being trailed by six cats. They were rubbing against him and being frisky. Little does this old man know that he is just being used for food.

The world we live in…

I recently tried combining the act of drinking coffee with that of showering.

Things did not really work out as I had hoped.

I don’t think that Starbucks will be offering Herbal Essence flavoring any time soon.

One must not mistake Sence - Rare European Rose nectar with that of the domestic variety drunk by those who attend NASCAR events or by office workers at chain restaurant happy hours.  This is both “Rare” and “European” and distinguishes itself from all the other rose nectars available on the market by being contained in a swirled glass bottle that looks more appropriate for perfume then any sort of beverage.

The first sip of Sence is sweet with a floral aftertaste that makes one think of a fragrance that would be generously applied by an elderly woman attending a religious event.  Because of its sweetness, pouring a tall glass of rose nectar is not recommended, but rather hummingbird sized portions seem to be the appropriate serving.

Though Sence  is made in Bulgaria there isn’t a single word of Bulgarian on the entire bottle.  Its ingredients are listed in both English and Spanish.  Reading the ingredients in Spanish is pure
poetry with Las Aguas, El Azucar end el Extracto se Petalos de Rosas sounding like the makings of a love potion found in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel.  It is hard to say if this rosy liquid will make one more attractive to a potential lover, but drinking Sence will surely attract the attention of wasps, bees and other stinging insects.

The following text message conversation took place on my cell phone. For some reason I always respond to people, even if they clearly have the wrong person.

Tyler: Hey Angela its Tyler “message in a bottle”, lol, where in phx do u live?

Me: No response sent

4 hours later…

Tyler: Hola chica, how was urban planning?

Me (annoyed while trying to drink coffee): Dude, you have the wrong number.

Tyler: Ight, take a chill pill women…I know I don’t have the wrong# I made sure with the dude who wrote that ghey note b4 I texted.. but ne ways good day to you.

Me: This is a guy, you need to revisit “Mack Lessons”

Tyler: I just coversate with ladies, the fact is if you get to know the person before engaging in the physical aspect, the bond between those individuals is much stronger, the physical side is the easiest, but you already knew that since ur such a “Mack Daddy”, peace playa…

End of text exchange.

If any of my friends want to take credit for those, I will buy you a milk shake at Sonic.

My friend Clint and I were walking down the brick sidewalks of Mill Avenue. An extra spring was in our steps as we were off to see Tim and Eric perform at the Marquee. That same night the band Smashmouth were scheduled to play in front of the stagnant pool of disgustingness known as Tempe Town Lake. This performance was a “celebration” to entertain those who had ran in PF Chang’s Rock and Roll Marathon.

As we were walking among the clean and well groomed citizens Clint and I saw people scalping tickets. We joked how it would be funny if these scalpers were selling Tim and Eric tickets. We speculated about who on earth would actually be seeking out Smashmouth. Just mere seconds after having wondered about this, we saw a man go up to a total stranger and ask him (appearingly without shame) “Hey do you know where Smashmouth is playing”. The stranger eagerly gave all the details this man needed. We continued our walk to the Marquee in amazement of the world we inhabited.

We went and saw Tim and Eric perform and it was like lemon meringue pie on your birthday.

On the way back we walked on the Tempe Town Lake Bridge. We could see on the shore that there was a stage set up with lights. We heard horrible music being played. Could it be?

It was Smashmouth.

It sounded like they were winding things down and it was their last song.

I told Clint that for their encore they would play their hit song, that one from the mentally challenged Ogre movie. This was guaranteed.

Moments later that familiarly horrible riff started up, and the singer in a voice worse then a frat boy’s who had just vomited up the contents of eight cans of Keystone started singing, “Somebody blah, blah, blurgh, black….etc, belck blucha…etc, hey now your an all star get your game on…”

A tear came to my eye.

It was the best night ever.